"A Softer Place To Land, Part Two"

Posted on Sun Dec 11th, 2022 @ 7:03pm by Cadet Third Class Aarfa Barakzay & Lieutenant Lydia Whitlock M.D.

Mission: The Goddess
1972 words - 3.9 OF Standard Post Measure

True to her word, Lydia replicated a meal of steak and vegetables along with a glass of cold water for the cadet. As the traumatized young woman requested, the meal contained no onions or garlic. Although Aarfa had given Lydia permission to check on her while she showered and had even explained the importance of remaining close to other people, the ACMO and counselor decided against it, wanting to give her charge some time to herself to decompress, mindful that too much isolation wasn't healthy culturally or following such significant trauma. At the same time, Lydia knew traumatized individuals felt more empowered if they were given the opportunity to make their own decisions and to speak their own minds. In that spirit, she elected to allow the cadet to decide for herself when or if she needed Lydia's company.

Aarfa felt better after the shower. It was good to be clean and in fresh clothing, but the scent of the food nearly carrying out as though walking on air - it smelled so good her mouth practically watered. After so long without a decent meal it was all she could do to remember her manners and not just fall on the steak like a ravenous animal. "That smells amazing!" she said taking a seat in front of the plate. "Thank you so much."

Lydia smiled, glad to see Aarfa in better spirits. "You're very welcome. I would suggest starting slowly, as I gather it's been quite a while since you've had any solid food? If you eat too fast, it could upset your stomach."

"I'll try," Aarfa replied, though her mouth was watering. But the counselor had made her this nice meal it would be rude to 'wolf' it down. "Don't worry though. Gorging after a fast isn't as hard on my species," she explained as she cut her steak, "In a lot of ways we evolved to handle feast-or-famine conditions."

Lydia nodded, the explanation making sense. In fact, she was a bit embarrassed she hadn't considered the possibility. "Would you mind telling me a bit more about your kind? I am afraid I don't know anything."

Aarfa took a bite to eat as she considered how to answer. MMMMMmmm. The taste of steak to her starved palate almost overwhelmed her ability to think about anything else. "Oh, that's delicious..." She took a drink of water and forced herself to focus on the subject. "Obviously, we like good food," she quipped with a semi-embarrassed smile. "We're caninoid, also obvious I guess, but I'm not surprised you don't know much about us. We only became Federation members in 2380, though we did join the alliance against the Dominion toward the end of the war." An ear quirked to the side, accompanied by a slight swish of tail. "Turns out their shape shifters weren't quite so good at scent shifting. The one they used to try to infiltrate our government to keep us out of the fight wound up giving us incentive to join it."

Lydia smiled. "Sometimes the things that set us apart from others and seem the most scary to outsiders are the most extraordinary for us all."

"I hope that's true," Aarfa replied between bites. Sooo good... "I don't want to be scary, but I think I left that impression." Her ears and tail drooped. "We're normally a peaceful people. We'll fight if provoked of course, but Kainan society is very communitarian. Maintaining harmony and cooperation in the pack means a lot to us."

The therapist nodded. "I believe you, and while I believe your reactions scared the away team, I don't believe any of them should base their opinions of who you are on the actions you took when you were traumatized and deprived of even the most basic resources to survive. If any of them do, please don't hesitate to speak up. It's not snitching, it's acknowledging you matter and don't deserve to be treated poorly because your actions were a product of what happened to you, not your character."

Aarfa glanced aside, then shook her head human-style. "It is kind of you to say, but I'm not a pup. I am responsible for my actions, no matter the circumstances that lead to them. If I am going to be a Starfleet officer, then I have to be able to behave like one even, perhaps especially, in the worst circumstances." Her ears and drooped, the appeal of the wonderful meal dulling as she recalled the taste of human blood in her mouth. "I failed at that. Spectacularly. It is on me to prove I can be better."

It pained Lydia to hear Aarfa blame herself for her actions. The counselor and physician understood the fight, flight, or freeze response was a healthy response to danger and was no more controllable in extreme circumstances than the human reflex that caused the knee to extend when the knee was struck with a medical mallet. To blame the body and mind for reacting as it was designed to do was absurd to Lydia, but she respected Aarfa for acknowledging that whatever the reason, she had some adjusting to do. "Just give yourself time to adjust," Whitlock offered. "You've been through something incredibly traumatic, the effects of which often take time to fully manifest. Putting pressure on yourself to be better, as you say, in the face of that aftermath could work to convince you that you can't measure up."

Lydia paused, then said, "I know you can be ordered to attend counseling, but ultimately, you control how forthright you are with all this. Promise me you'll be honest. I'm not questioning your integrity, I just know the desire to prove one's self can sometimes lead to ignoring one's well-being."

"Of course, I'll be honest," Aarfa objected. She wasn't sure how one could both ask for a promise of honesty and claim to not be questioning someone's integrity. Sometimes humans were really hard to understand. "Honesty is a fundamental value - lying is only excusable to save a life or prevent serious harm. I appreciate that you're concerned for my welfare, but honestly assessing if I measure up is important. A pack is only as strong as its weakest member, and the good of the pack is more important than the good of any single individual."

It was the most emotion Lydia had seen since they met, and she regretted upsetting Arafa even if she knew she hadn't intended it. "I'm not saying you shouldn't work hard, just that you don't have to be perfect." She paused, then offered, "I apologize if I offended you by asking you to remain honest with me. I didn't mean to imply that you wouldn't be, it's just that at least with some humans, it's hard for us to admit we are struggling if we think people will think less of us, so some of us develop really strong defenses that keep us from admitting anything is really wrong. Sometimes that leads to really negative consequences, and if someone who cares, I just don't want that to happen to you."

Aarfa's cocked to the side. "Ah. You were asking me to be honest with myself then. I do try, but one's own scent is always the hardest to analyze; it's so constant and familiar that it's almost automatically discounted." She took a bite of the steak, chewing a moment. "My people will sometimes ...'put up a front' I think humans say? In the presence of outsiders or those who might be a threat, we will hide weakness. And I have been told we are sometimes seen as 'stoic' because we will ignore injury and keep going if stopping to tend it would slow the pack on a necessary pursuit, but that is a quality I have seen in many other species since joining Starfleet."

Lydia nodded. "I have too. You're right. It is hard to distinguish your own scent after a while," she added with a grin, amused by the analogy. "Counselors help people see their blind spots."

"It is a worthy calling." Aarfa tipped her head respectfully. "I am not resistant to your services. I have spoken to counselors before..." She paused a moment, moving food around with her fork. "I was on SB621 during the terrorist attack there."

Inside, Lydia's heart sank. It was bad enough the cadet had suffered one trauma, but now it was clear that what she had just survived was the tip of the iceberg. "I'm so sorry. That must've been just as horrific. What was counseling like for you then? Did you find it helpful?"

There was a pause of several beats. Aarfa's head cocked slightly to the side, before then she looked up at the counselor. "It is hard to say. It was not as horrific as what was done to the Gladiator; that was ...methodical, drawn out evil. But it was my first experience of a terrorist attack, the first time I'd seen so many dead..." She trailed off a moment, then nearly shaking herself, returned to the question. "Counselling was helpful, I think, but not reassuring. Of course, the Counselors had been through the same experience. They were professional, but for one of my kind," she tapped her nose, "it was clear they were nearly as stressed and anxious as we were."

Lydia nodded. "Counselors that live and serve with the people they help don't always have timely access to support themselves. I'm wondering, what would have made the process more reassuring for you?"

An ear flipped back, followed by a canine shrug. "Honestly, I'm not sure reassurance should have been a goal. The terrorists hadn't been apprehended, so the threat was still real and active. We lost people, the station was nearly destroyed. Imagining that there wasn't a real chance that more wasn't coming would have been false assurance, and dangerous if it lowered vigilance."

Lydia wondered if Aarfa realized she was contradicting her own words, but chalked it up to being tired from all she had been through. It was a reminder to the counselor herself she should leave the cadet be. "What do you think we made your counseling process more helpful?"

Aarfa expelled a breath something like a sigh. "I really don't know. I don't know what can ever be reassuring after..." she shook her head forcefully, enough to send ears flapping. "There are horrible people out there. No words, no reassurances change that." She looked up, the intensity non-canids sometimes found disconcerting in her gaze. "The important thing is to be sure I need neither freeze or react to what I shouldn't. Do you have methods that focus on that?"

"I can't stop your nervous system from reacting in ways meant to protect you, but I can teach you strategies to work with your body's new ways of working... but for now, how about some sleep?"

"I would appreciate that." Aarfa glanced down respectfully, and took a moment to consider the matter of sleep. She was tired, very tired, and yet the idea of sleeping here, alone... she knew by the way her body tightened at the thought that she would not be able to sleep. At the same time, she could not impose on the counselor any further; certainly not to the extent of asking her to stay. Besides, humans tended to misunderstand that sort of request. "I will try to sleep."

Lydia knew she should turn and go, but felt something was holding her back. Realizing she was about to forget something that was now exceedingly obvious given what she knew of Aarfa's background, Witlock offered, "Would you like me to stay with you… at least until you fall asleep? It's no trouble."

"Yes. Yes, please." The relief and gratitude Aarfa felt was almost overwhelming.

Lydia smiled. "No problem."